The Umbridge Letters
by made.unmade
Summary: We know the reactions of the Gryffindor's to the Quidditch ban on Fred, George and Harry, but what about Oliver's reaction? Documented in full by each member of the team's letter to Oliver and his replies.


**Wow, it's been so long since I've written a Harry Potter fic. Lately I've been more into the Chronicles of Narnia. However, my muse, who is deeply in love with Oliver Wood/Sean Biggerstaff decided I should write this. I'm hating this site right now, as on Word I had different fonts for everyone, which looked quite good. Now, I'm stuck to underline, italics and bold. **

**Oh, and I asked J.K, but she still won't let me have Harry Potter.**

_

* * *

Dear Ollie, _

_I can't believe it. I think I'm still in shock. You will not believe this. Umbridge, the fat trollish toad faced lying bastard bitchy GIT banned Harry, Fred, and George, from playing Quidditch EVER AGAIN. I know you're probably laughing your pale Scottish behind off thinking I'm joking, but seriously, Ollie, I'm not. She really did do it._

_I am just so sick of her! She's actively interfering here, picks on Harry (I know, how dare she do that to your prize Seeker?), is a complete cow to everyone, made Trelawney have a breakdown, and now has power over pretty much everything- including Quidditch!!! This woman has GOT to go. _

_Sorry for complaining to you, I just needed to vent. How has training been?_

_Love,_

_Katie_

_PS: XOXOXO_

Kates,

ARE YOU SERIOUS??? She can't do that, what'll Gryffindor do? I will not let her do this to the team.

When I first got this letter I screamed for a total of seven minutes, twenty-four seconds, then nicked a beaters bat and pretended the bludger was Umbridge's face. Death to anyone who tries to pull the Gryffindor team apart. Grr. I want to strangle her. No, scratch that. I want cut her up into a million pieces with a rusty cane knife then put her in a box then put that box in a closet with 10 bludgers then close the door. Oh, that'll work brilliantly.

I am increasingly violent. It frightens me.

But honestly, how could she do that? It's so… sadistic. How could someone take the greatest game ever away from someone? Three someone's! Well, I'm going to go work on throwing darts at a picture of Umbridge's face. I just can't believe that- AAARGH.

Thinking not of you but of the many ways I could torture the mad woman,

With love,

Oliver

PS: I HATE HER.

PPS: I mean really, really _hate_ her.

PPPS: Training is fine. Better than yours, I can imagine.

PPPPS: Don't call me Ollie.

* * *

_Hey Oliver,_

Got any plans for Umbridge's murder? We have a couple but we thought we'd consult you first.

_Anxiously waiting for your reply,_

Gred and _Forge_

PS: Please include nasty details_. It would be a great comfort._

My Unbeatable Beaters,

I have many a plan for the Mega Bitches' untimely death. I told Katie about an idea thatI want cut her up into a million pieces with a rusty cane knife then put her in a box then put that box in a closet with 10 bludgers then close the door. However, I believe we can do even better. How about half-drowning her in a large vat of sulfuric acid, then gouging her eyes out with blunt forks, then feeding her feet to starving blast-ended skrewts, then dousing her ankles with oil and burning them to the knee, then pouring salt on the stumps of her legs, then cleaning out the salt with a scrubbing brush, then locking her in a classroom with Harry equipped with a meat cleaver and wand. I think it could work.

Toodles,

Your Most Favourite Captain

* * *

**Oliver,**

**Hey. I suppose you've heard? Umbridge has banned Harry, Fred, and George from ever playing Quidditch again. Ah, but who hasn't heard about it? Angelina and Katie are furious. I am too, of course, but I'd like to think I have a tad bit more control than my lovely friends. Harry's also a force to be reckoned with. He's been brooding again. Fred and George are absolutely spitting. Fred says that the only thing worth staying for at Hogwarts was Quidditch. I almost agree. Well, I thought I'd just make sure you knew. Bye!**

**Alicia**

**PS: Hope training's been fun.**

The cool-as-a-cucumber Ms Spinnet,

I can't believe you're so composed!!! If I were you I'd be kicking and screaming. In fact, I'm me and I'm kicking and screaming. But I suppose the team needs someone to calm them down. That job is most definitely yours, Alicia. However, I feel the need to remind you all (so it's your job to tell everyone else) that though three members are absent from all furthermore training's and matches this is still a team, so do NOT slack off in training. Alicia, I am personally delegating the task of informing me of anyone not pulling their weight to you. I will be on them like a Scottish ton of bricks. Well, I better leave you to your extra-fun job of finding replacements for Fred, George, and Harry.

Good luck,

Oliver

* * *

_**Oliver,**_

_**Oh dear God. What do I do? I know I sound a little pathetic, but I didn't know being Captain was so stressful. I can't believe this has happened. You may be wondering why I'm not ranting and raving about Umbridge. I've done a lot of that, believe me. But this is not a letter for releasing anger. I just need to hear some advice or encouraging words or something. I mean, come on, if you can make up as many pep talks as you have you can say something to make me feel better. Honestly, I don't know how you managed it. Everyone depending on you, dealing with stuff like this (and you had deal with Harry unconscious in your fifth year, Quidditch cancelled in sixth, and Dementors in seventh. You, m'dear, apart from being a ruddy brilliant Keeper, have been a brill captain. I know I sound like such a suck-up, and usually I wouldn't be complimenting you, but ah well. Please help.**_

_**Becoming increasingly desperate,**_

_**Angelina.**_

****

The Newest Gryffindor Captain,

Oh come on. Why are you so down? This is your first real challenge as Captain- you can do it Ange. Just train the team well, scout out some bloody brilliant players, give it your all. You might not have Harry and the twins, but the world isn't going to implode. And yes, I am aware of my brilliance. Thanks for reminding me. Ange, you're a wonderful captain so get off your butt, young lassie, and prove it!

Oliver the Brilliant

* * *

_**Wood,**_

_**I suppose everyone's already told you about the Umbridge thing? Yeah, thought so. Angelina's been frantic, Alicia is calm as usual, Katie's furious, and Fred and George… well let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if Umbridge died horribly in the next week or so. Not that I'd complain- if you have any ideas, any at all, regarding her murder, please write back with details. I'm still half in shock. I can't believe she has such power- she's making me miserable. Like Fred and George said, the only thing worth staying here for was Quidditch. She has control of everything else, and now she can control Quidditch as well. I mean… no Quidditch. Ever. I don't suppose you can imagine? Well, I should go now. Bye,**_

_**Harry**_

****

My favourite Seeker,

Well, there are a few ideas running around in my head, but I've already discussed the main one with Fred and George. You should ask them, as you are part of it. Don't worry, nothing you won't like- you're being locked in a room with a severely maimed and defenceless Umbridge while you have a meat cleaver and wand. Should be fun, no? Anyway, I have to get to training, but send word about the plan.

Oliver

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**Love it? Hate it? Otherwise? Do tell.**


End file.
